Giving

Giving.

Giving.

Giving.

Giving.

The word has been tumbling around in my mind lately, pushing me, clawing at me, peeling away at layers I’ve tried to conceal. Unfortunately, I’ve struggled to shake the feeling that I’m simply tired of giving… That I’ve had enough of it all.

I hate this feeling. As humans, are we even allowed to entertain it? Certainly, I don’t think it’s fair that I do, yet it’s that time again when all I’ve been wishing for is to be able to pause a few areas of my life and just lay down to rest, with no pressure to give of my time, energy, faith, love, patience, effort, etc., to anyone or anything. None of that. A vacation from giving, if you will.

But as they say: we are our own worst enemies.

In my mind, there is no possibility of rest. It’s simply not acceptable. I have to continue on, never stopping, never faltering, always giving and giving everything and all that others require of me, all the time, without ceasing. Why? Because the world doesn’t stop for anyone. The universe does not kid around; like it or not, good or bad, it won’t wait for you to get your shit together.

And so, I’m left torn between two equally important sides of myself: the one that needs to look out for me in order to survive, and the one that needs to do everything possible to save the world, or at minimum, help those around me and see them happy.

I guess the phrase I sometimes arrogantly and playfully toss around –“I will sleep when I’m dead”—has come back to bite me in the ass. Well deserved. Well. Deserved.

There’s really no resolution to this dilemma, as I’ve come to realize. And that will have to be OK. It’s life, and we will always be caught in some type of tug of war. Yet, more than that, what ultimately ends up inspiring me back into action are things like this:

Seeing their tremendous suffering does not make me feel any better about my own; it only helps to highlight the extreme amount of human misery that exists in this world. And, I know myself all too well: as long as there is any sort of human misery, I will be compelled to continue giving.

If not for me, then for them.
If not for my own rest, then for theirs.

I’ll just have to accept that I truthfully won’t rest until I’m dead. Here’s to hoping I’ll leave some little piece of the world better for it.