A Sincere Apology

As you take the time to decide what you would like to write about in your future contribution to my blog, I sit down to draft this very public, yet heartfelt, apology. It’s been a long time coming.

You see, everything you’ve been through this year, but especially the bad, can be smoothly traced back to one very specific moment, during which I took the leading role. And although you and I both believe that everything happens for a reason, and that no adversity is ever wasted if we learn and grow from it, I still can’t seem to shake the guilt, try as I might.

I’ve talked about it, I’ve cried about it, I’ve prayed about it, I’ve sought advice on it, but at the end of the day, this one tiny little truth remains: I was the one that handed you that drink.

I actually had to pause to re-read that last line.

The image replays over and over in my mind and I curse myself for it each and every time. I know you don’t blame me. I know you’re not mad at me. I know that after all the struggles that one little sip has put you through, you’re a much better person for it. But I am ashamed to admit that I haven’t fully forgiven myself for it…

…which only makes this post absurdly selfish, and I’m sorry for that, too.

I’m sorry, my dear, because even if things are looking up and you’re finally finding the peace you’ve so patiently and diligently worked to achieve, I could have easily spared you a big chunk of the pain it brought.

I’m sorry I was so careless. I’m sorry I didn’t stop you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there more for you. And I’m sorry for every other suffering that one stupid action has caused you.

I know that you have been able to help others overcome their own difficulties, guiding them in their journey to a place of peace, love, and forgiveness. I hope you know how much I admire you, how proud I am of you, and how I wish one day I might be as strong as you.

Te quiero. And I’m really, really sorry.

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