Month: November 2013

A Sincere Apology

As you take the time to decide what you would like to write about in your future contribution to my blog, I sit down to draft this very public, yet heartfelt, apology. It’s been a long time coming. You see, everything you’ve been through this year, but especially the bad, can be smoothly traced back to one very specific moment, during which I took the leading role. And although you and I both believe that everything happens for a reason, and that no adversity is ever wasted if we learn and grow from it, I still can’t seem to shake the guilt, try as I might. I’ve talked about it, I’ve cried about it, I’ve prayed about it, I’ve sought advice on it, but at the end of the day, this one tiny little truth remains: I was the one that handed you that drink. … I actually had to pause to re-read that last line. The image replays over and over in my mind and I curse myself for it each and every time. …

Giving

Giving. Giving. Giving. Giving. The word has been tumbling around in my mind lately, pushing me, clawing at me, peeling away at layers I’ve tried to conceal. Unfortunately, I’ve struggled to shake the feeling that I’m simply tired of giving… That I’ve had enough of it all. I hate this feeling. As humans, are we even allowed to entertain it? Certainly, I don’t think it’s fair that I do, yet it’s that time again when all I’ve been wishing for is to be able to pause a few areas of my life and just lay down to rest, with no pressure to give of my time, energy, faith, love, patience, effort, etc., to anyone or anything. None of that. A vacation from giving, if you will. But as they say: we are our own worst enemies. In my mind, there is no possibility of rest. It’s simply not acceptable. I have to continue on, never stopping, never faltering, always giving and giving everything and all that others require of me, all the time, without ceasing. …